NEW DOWNLOAD – Special Bonus Podcast

So here it is! After two years of false promises, we finally got off our arses and recorded a brand new final podcast, possibly the least celebrated comeback since Measles. So download it here, stick it on your iPod, and get ready for 35 minutes of unrivalled silliness! (Note: some of the later sections work best with stereo headphones).

This week: Some new features, more phone calls to ‘Take a Break’, Oscar goes on Jeremy Kyle and Tolu the furby earns his role as co-host.

Listen to it here:

It’s All News to Me

1) Unarmed woman robs bank with AIDS
2) Fat Croatian boy reveals magnetic tits
3) National shame as Prince Philip eats placard

And the true story is: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1385885/Magnetic-boy-carry-pans-chest-Ivan-Stoiljkovic-6-sticks-metal-objects-body.html. Not to be a hypocrite, but I don’t feel that ‘fat boy’ is an unfair assessment.

Many thanks to the woman with the biggest legs in the world… legs, big legs… gay squirtle.

Episode 17

As Mary Jean Iron once said, “let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so”. With this final podcast you may feel an inexplainable weight lifted off your shoulders, a desire to smile and laugh again that you haven’t felt in months. Why, it may seem that the very trees themselves are dancing with joy! This isn’t true, and you should stop sniffing bathroom cleaner. Still, our final show went down much better than anyone could have expected, with over three seperate people listening in, several of which weren’t us. It was a fitting farewell to the year, which the union staff decided to commemorate through a sudden drop in the suicide rate, a touching gesture which served to remind us what it’s all about. With this wrapped up me and Oscar are now looking forward to putting our many talents towards other projects, such as paddling, or holding up Golf Sale signs along St. Mary’s Street. If you happen to see us do say hello, but try not to distract Oscar too much, he’s pushing himself as it is. 

This week: All the features return for an extra-length final show: pimped out legs, beefed up pidgeons, Sesame Street orgies and Oscar clashes with St. Peter at the gates of heaven.

Listen to it here:
Download Farewell Special (Episode 17)

It’s All News to Me

1) Winged cat found in china
2) Man dressed as Bert murdered by man dressed as Ernie
3) Disbelief as polar bear sends fax
4) Pregnant man expecting second child
5) Photoshoot tragedy as model drowns in tits

And the 2 true stories are: http://cats.about.com/b/2009/05/28/winged-cat-found-in-china.htm and http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/11/13/man.pregnant.again.walters/index.html

Episode 16

As the end steadily approaches for our little show, what more is there to say that hasn’t already been said? Probably not, “you’ve inspired me to do radio,” or ”Oscar, could you look after my kids”. With only two more shows to go until we resign ourselves to the whispers of history, we decided to bring back all the old features for a last two-part reunion, including the highly successful ”silence” and “more music”. Three hours, four Yorkies and one f-bomb later it was all over, leaving us with only one show left before we’re finished for good, a life-defining moment that we’ve handled in very different ways. I haven’t cried so much since the last time I watched Gladiator. Oscar hasn’t smiled so much since he managed to twist my bollocks right round with his bare hands, which he did the last time we watched Gladiator. The only problem now is knowing what to do with him once the show’s finished, as I can’t decide whether to put him down or have him returned to the wild. It’s a shame, because London zoo would take him back again if only he’d learn to stop harassing the chimps.

This week: All the features return for an extra-length special; mad uncles, buff gorillas, Mugabe’s little secret and Benny the pig returns to help solve a murder mystery.

Listen to it here:
Download Pre-Farewell Special (Episode 16)

It’s All News to Me

1) Taiwanese goats in noisy windfarm massacre
2) Man discovers Albanian family living in pond
3) Guiness tells world’s tallest dwarf, “you’re not a thing”

And the true story’s this little gem: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/8060969.stm

Hidden Talents Exclusive

I turned round halfway through Kasabian to find Oscar putting his four minutes to good use:

Other than this there’s very little on his CV.

Episode 15

For the same reason no-one asks Muhammed Ali why he’s given up boxing, it’s not hard to see why three weeks have gone by without us being able to release a proper show. The recording studio at Xpress is one of the least reliable pieces of equipment since HAL, and runs like it was built as part of someone’s GCSE coursework; none of the microphones were working last week, an oversight along the lines of building a car without wheels, or having kids but forgetting to feed them, and the headphones emit so much white noise that MI5 have now borrowed them to force sensitive information out of terror suspects. This creative drought was further worsened by my face suddenly ballooning up to twice the size from mumps, an unexpected twist which somewhat spoilt my hopes of attending the Cardiff Media Awards; if not because I was contagious, but because the black tie made me look like that scene in The Elephant Man where Joseph Merrick gets taken the opera. At least he got an applause when his name was read out – and there was further embarrassment this week when the man running security recognised me after 3 weeks off, but still refused to give me the keys.

This week: The studio falls apart, standards drop, Oscar loves penguins and Henry breaks a new world record.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 15

It’s All News to Me

1) Union leader in plans to eat own fingers
2) Joyriding chimp pulled over for speeding
3) Shock as retirement home feud explodes into public bingo hall buggery

And the true one is: http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Serbian-Union-Official-Chops-Off-Finger-And-Eats-It-In-A-Wages-Protest/Article/200904415270547?f=rss

Episode 14

Back for the third term and raring to go, it was refreshing this week to have to break into the recording studio and program all of the computers ourselves, sprinting about under a time limit like something from The Crystal Maze. Sometimes it does feel very much like we’re running a lighthouse off the coast of some small abandoned island; the crippling isolation, the stairs, the charming and fleeting homage to the discovery of electricity, and the sounds of our show continuously pumped out from the union as some kind of beacon to repel listeners away from shore. Nonetheless, we put our feelings aside and pressed on, christening the new term and delivering a show that was only mildly less interesting than that of the ‘automatic’ button. With just five more shows to go, we can only hope that things improve, as nothing short of a hostage-taking is going to ensure our success at the Cardiff Student Awards next week. The nomination form they sent me said they were looking for something ‘bold, original and ground-breaking in the form of audio’, so I decided just to steal a clip from one of Martin Luther King’s speeches. It doesn’t really matter anyway, because the automatic button wins every year.

This week: A stand-off with angry Dr. Who nerds, Oscar builds his own country, confused bishops, and a sad farewell to Oscar’s pet budgie Germaine.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 14

(To download, right-click ‘save target as’)

It’s All News To Me

1) Nazi beavers build dam in shape of Hitler’s face
2) Woman born with legs four times the size of normal legs
3) Confused bishop christens own colon

I think this photo will tell you which one is true;

And here’s the link to the story: http://www.tvthrong.co.uk/extraordinary-people/the-biggest-legs-in-the-world. Apparently there’s a documentary about her, which should be informative.

R.I.P Germaine

While reading the following statement, please play this file.

A special mention this week should go to Oscar’s pet budgie Germaine, who, after many weeks by our side and in our hearts, finally passed away silently in his sleep. At least we think it was his sleep, he could’ve just been dead for a while. Either way he was off his perch.

Rest in peace mate. You’re in a better place now.

Episode 13

A bakers’ dozen, unlucky for some, ‘too young for the jury to show you lenience’ etc… it’s that special milemark, and hard to believe that thirteen shows have already passed us by. Well, fourteen. We took last week off, for no particular reason other than to let the FM license run out so we can say rude words again, such as ’tits’. We’ve also decided to shift things about from next week, a bit like the way Skins occasionally ditches its entire cast, except not shite. Hopefully this will help alleviate the rising tension in the studio, which exploded this week after Oscar turned my headphones up to full and began chomping skittles into the mic. ”It’s like looking after rainman!” I yelled at him, ”except you’re not even good at gambling”. I had hoped this remark might dent his confidence, but he merely chomped down a few more skittles before replying thoughtfully, “I don’t think Rainman ever did wees with the door open”. A confused silence passed between us, sometime during which I became aware that he’d won the argument.

This week: The benefits of eating your own toes, life as a Borrower, a multicultural Sad Story and Oscar takes on the role of ‘Agony Aunt’.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 13

It’s All News to Me

1) Elephant smack addict sent to rehab
2) Wesley Snipes bathes child in wine
3) Old man sued for being too ugly

Which one’s right?
http://in.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idINIndia-29236120070830

Episode 12

Week after week, it takes a huge amount of effort to ensure that our radio show remains fresh, original and funny, which is probably one of the main reasons why we don’t bother. Still, it’s good to see that our enthusiasm remains as strong as ever, Oscar turning up for the show despite having locked himself out of his bedroom for the past week and looking like the later phases of the portrait of Dorian Grey. I, too, did my best despite increased stress, my thoughts resting with my likely death at a national kickboxing championship the next morning. I decided not to be dominated by fear, and reminded myself that if you can win the battle within yourself, nothing else can hurt you. I lost horribly, disproving forever that this is true and vowing instead to stick to a hobby that i’m more genetically suited towards, such as reading, or failing to impress women at bars. I also learnt that having another man thrust his body at you for a round of 90 seconds is distinctly unpleasant, and in an instant I felt an increased sympathy for my ex-girlfriends.

This week: Henry panics about his kickboxing tournament, Oscar becomes a fugitive, haircuts get awkward and the memory of Biggie inspires the boys to face off in a freestyle rap battle.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 12

It’s All News to Me

1) Man left blind after sneezing out eyes
2) Woman trades children for cockatoo
3) Admin error leaves gibbon in charge of town

And the true story is here:
http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation/story/1057349.html

Proof that Eoghan resembles a Pokemon

I’ve since changed my mind, and now think he looks more like squirtle:

See (he’s the one on the left).