Episode 14

Back for the third term and raring to go, it was refreshing this week to have to break into the recording studio and program all of the computers ourselves, sprinting about under a time limit like something from The Crystal Maze. Sometimes it does feel very much like we’re running a lighthouse off the coast of some small abandoned island; the crippling isolation, the stairs, the charming and fleeting homage to the discovery of electricity, and the sounds of our show continuously pumped out from the union as some kind of beacon to repel listeners away from shore. Nonetheless, we put our feelings aside and pressed on, christening the new term and delivering a show that was only mildly less interesting than that of the ‘automatic’ button. With just five more shows to go, we can only hope that things improve, as nothing short of a hostage-taking is going to ensure our success at the Cardiff Student Awards next week. The nomination form they sent me said they were looking for something ‘bold, original and ground-breaking in the form of audio’, so I decided just to steal a clip from one of Martin Luther King’s speeches. It doesn’t really matter anyway, because the automatic button wins every year.

This week: A stand-off with angry Dr. Who nerds, Oscar builds his own country, confused bishops, and a sad farewell to Oscar’s pet budgie Germaine.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 14

(To download, right-click ‘save target as’)

It’s All News To Me

1) Nazi beavers build dam in shape of Hitler’s face
2) Woman born with legs four times the size of normal legs
3) Confused bishop christens own colon

I think this photo will tell you which one is true;

And here’s the link to the story: http://www.tvthrong.co.uk/extraordinary-people/the-biggest-legs-in-the-world. Apparently there’s a documentary about her, which should be informative.

R.I.P Germaine

While reading the following statement, please play this file.

A special mention this week should go to Oscar’s pet budgie Germaine, who, after many weeks by our side and in our hearts, finally passed away silently in his sleep. At least we think it was his sleep, he could’ve just been dead for a while. Either way he was off his perch.

Rest in peace mate. You’re in a better place now.

Episode 13

A bakers’ dozen, unlucky for some, ‘too young for the jury to show you lenience’ etc… it’s that special milemark, and hard to believe that thirteen shows have already passed us by. Well, fourteen. We took last week off, for no particular reason other than to let the FM license run out so we can say rude words again, such as ’tits’. We’ve also decided to shift things about from next week, a bit like the way Skins occasionally ditches its entire cast, except not shite. Hopefully this will help alleviate the rising tension in the studio, which exploded this week after Oscar turned my headphones up to full and began chomping skittles into the mic. ”It’s like looking after rainman!” I yelled at him, ”except you’re not even good at gambling”. I had hoped this remark might dent his confidence, but he merely chomped down a few more skittles before replying thoughtfully, “I don’t think Rainman ever did wees with the door open”. A confused silence passed between us, sometime during which I became aware that he’d won the argument.

This week: The benefits of eating your own toes, life as a Borrower, a multicultural Sad Story and Oscar takes on the role of ‘Agony Aunt’.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 13

It’s All News to Me

1) Elephant smack addict sent to rehab
2) Wesley Snipes bathes child in wine
3) Old man sued for being too ugly

Which one’s right?
http://in.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idINIndia-29236120070830

Episode 12

Week after week, it takes a huge amount of effort to ensure that our radio show remains fresh, original and funny, which is probably one of the main reasons why we don’t bother. Still, it’s good to see that our enthusiasm remains as strong as ever, Oscar turning up for the show despite having locked himself out of his bedroom for the past week and looking like the later phases of the portrait of Dorian Grey. I, too, did my best despite increased stress, my thoughts resting with my likely death at a national kickboxing championship the next morning. I decided not to be dominated by fear, and reminded myself that if you can win the battle within yourself, nothing else can hurt you. I lost horribly, disproving forever that this is true and vowing instead to stick to a hobby that i’m more genetically suited towards, such as reading, or failing to impress women at bars. I also learnt that having another man thrust his body at you for a round of 90 seconds is distinctly unpleasant, and in an instant I felt an increased sympathy for my ex-girlfriends.

This week: Henry panics about his kickboxing tournament, Oscar becomes a fugitive, haircuts get awkward and the memory of Biggie inspires the boys to face off in a freestyle rap battle.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 12

It’s All News to Me

1) Man left blind after sneezing out eyes
2) Woman trades children for cockatoo
3) Admin error leaves gibbon in charge of town

And the true story is here:
http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation/story/1057349.html

Proof that Eoghan resembles a Pokemon

I’ve since changed my mind, and now think he looks more like squirtle:

See (he’s the one on the left).

Episode 11

This week saw the second exposure of our filth over the FM bandwidth, an hour and half spent reflecting on what was probably one of the least eventful weeks of modern history (there was something to do with banks, but we didn’t understand it). We instead decided to fill the time with matters of slightly less political consequence, such as is there a solo version of the Mile High club? Can pandas play instruments? And why do women not find dribbling attractive? None of these questions were answered to any kind of significance, and it remains much more likely that this show will be remembered for Oscar’s angry yelling at God, “why are you making me look like a twat?”, a somewhat more delicate re-take on the fable of Jonah. Other than this the show passed without incident, and I learned that it’s impossible to fit an entire boom mic in your mouth without making noises like a swan.

This week: Oscar builds an Ark, Disneyland gang war, evil shrubs and how to survive a zombie attack at Tescos.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 11

It’s All News to Me

1) Parents delighted as toddler marries dog
2) Panda passes grade 5 trumpet exam
3) 4 Goofys left dead in Disneyland gang war shooting

Which one’s right?
http://www.abc4.com/content/news/watercooler/story/Toddler-marries-dog/XCpCHL72ZUWRqSVuIBHiug.cspx

Episode 10

There was much delight this week as me and Oscar were allowed to go out on FM radio for the first time, especially from people who don’t own FM radios, and a swell of pride was felt as we watched our audience grow from the Student’s Union to the Student’s Union plus the van parked outside it. There are a few questions surrounding the transmitter’s range: such as why must all listeners have their radios pressed firmly against the building to get signal? And does it help if they’re wrapped in foil? Nonetheless, we’re grateful of the opportunity, and continue to dispel rumours that the money would have been better spent hiring a man to stand on top of the roof and yell at passers-by (I once had a grandfather who did this). Meanwhile, the show carried on in much the same vein as normal, notable only for the presence of a horribly unsuitable prostitute-based ‘I Will Survive’ which threatened to get us thrown off the air almost as soon as we’d got on it. Luckily, Ofcom had parked their van on the other side of the road, and so were unable to make out most of the violations.

This week, it’s a Valentines Day special; Oscar is forced to date a series of strange women, Henry reveals why the holiday makes him so annoyed, and the new FM license is threatened by the most unsuitable ‘I Will Survive’ yet.

Listen to it here:

Download Episode 10

 It’s All News to Me

1) Bolivian chipmunk war claims first human life
2) Magic goat detained for armed robbery
3) Kidney damage for man who ate shed

Well one of them is true:
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE50M4XT20090124

Old show archive (Episodes 1-9)

Herein lie episodes 1-9: “the early days” as we like to refer to them nostagically over a glass of cognac. We do reccomend starting from Episode 10 – but if you’ve enjoyed the later shows, perhaps you might care to dip into these early ones with toyful abandon, remarking at our first moments and watching our little features grow up one by one. These eatly shows aren’t the best, but then again neither is anything new: just think about your first experiences with sex, and how awkward that can be. I still rarely talk to my uncle.

Episode 9 (7th February 2009)

S Club Juniors’ kidneys, Crimewatch reconstructions, Henry signs up for a kickboxing tournament and why getting a train through Wales is like slowly travelling backwards through time.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 9

Episode 8 (5th December 2008)

Santa turns to burglery, racist babies, Henry makes a phone call to Claims Direct and Oscar’s mates pop in for some bad jokes.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 8

Episode 7 (29th November 2008)

Epileptic badgers, crap Christmas presents, Henry is kidnapped by bears and Oscar almost gets us done for treason.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 7

Episode 6 (22nd November 2008)

Somalian pirates, child abandonment, civillised cannibals and why Henry finds terrorists quite annoying.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 6

Episode 5 (15th November 2008)

Henry’s guinea pig genocide, the problem with Men’s Health, Bear Grylls gets humiliated and Oscar buys a budgie with the sole purpose of teaching it to say ’safe’.

Listen to it here:
Download Episode 5 

Opening Podcast (18th October – 8th November 2008)

The first four shows squeezed into one: Henry and Oscar get used to the buttons, a trio of sad stories, an old man wanders in for an interview and Oscar reveals that he’s certified as a reverend.

Listen to it here:
Download Opening Podcast (Episodes 1-4)

About Us

Combining the best qualities of a neurotic and a chimp, Stay Asleep with Henry and Oscar quickly became one of the least listened to shows on Cardiff’s Xpress Radio, the UK’s first radio station devoted entirely to Union security staff. Attracting all the public enthusiasm of a UKIP rally, Stay Asleep finished its first run in June 2009, and due to overwhelming public demand (i.e. no-one said not to), returned for a special one-off episode in 2011. They’ve since left radio to pursue careers in other worthwhile fields, like standing in for traffic cones, but still meet up occasionally to chat about news, people with giant legs, and animals that can talk, so keep an eye on the BBC – they may end up being famous one day. Not for comedy, of course, but there’s always the chance that Oscar’s inevitable noose-wanking accident will make the News.

This webpage is an archive of all our old podcasts.